Yesterday

I was really really happy yesterday.
No sadness to feel, no emptiness..
Everything was wonderful! It felt like in the past, nothing was wrong. I felt like i was on cloud nine.
But today when i woke up, i went straight back to hell.
It was like yesterday was just a dream.
A day god used to play a prank on me, thinking that everything would be alright, making me let my guard now.
And now, i'm suffering the consequences.
The pain i felt for the past few months(except for last week and the week before),
all came back to me.

I wonder if anyone had went through the same extreme pain i'm going through.
Having to dig my fingernails into myself, having to grab my hair to ease the pain in my heart.
Hugging my knees to my chest, making myself curl into a ball so i feel safer, so that i won't fall apart easily.
Hugging and clutching the pillow in between my knees and chest, screaming into it so that the hole in my chest wouldn't rip any further.
I can't breathe. It's too painful. It's suffocating.
If the pain gets too extreme, i tend to get sharp objects closer to me and dig them into my skin.
Knives, scissors, metal rulers etc.
If none are near me, i would use my fingernails and dig them deep into my skin and scratch myself, my face, legs, arms, stomach.
It's not painful.
Only after when the pain in my heart stops, then only would i be able to feel the physical pain.
I've left multiple scars on my left arm, some on my face though they're not that visible now, my legs and stomach as well.

I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.
I feel so lost.
I'm afraid to step out of my house, I know i would fall apart.
I'm afraid of talking to people i'm not close to, for sure i know they would hurt me.
But i don't want to give up on the love between us.
It's like stabbing me in the heart.
But it's not any better that i'm struggling to hold on.
Feels like someone's strangling me.

I'm so tired.
Tomorrow's the start of school; Term 2.
Wonder how i'm going to survive.
Hope i don't cry. =B

Dream

A happy and perfect dream for 3years and 7months has ended.
The nightmare has started.
I wish i hurry and wake up from the nightmare soon.
I'm so tired. :( Even though it's just a dream.
I want to go back to my happy life.

Afraid

:'(
I was getting better at not thinking about it.
I was getting better at not feeling the pain.
Somehow the 'getting better' has stopped.
I have no idea why.
The heartaches, tears, pain and hurt; feeling them frequently all over again.

Yeah, I wna meet you soooo bad.
I miss you so fucking much.
But I'm afraid..
You're no longer mine.
I'm afraid of the aftermath.. The excruciating pain in my chest when you leave me once again.
Tell me, how can I stop feeling?
I want to rid of all emotions, I no longer wna feel.
If there's no happiness, then no pain, suffering and sadness would come.
How I wish someone would take them away..

I miss you.
I love you.

I don't know.

My emotions are like a roller coaster ride.
One moment it's rocketing up, the next it's plunging down to the deepest depth.
It's tiring, I can't keep up with that. But i don't know what to do. :'(

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

You were the only one with the power to make me feel like i was worth something on this earth. I don’t want to be just friends, i want to be your everything. Please, let me be your everything.

You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

I want you to miss me. I want to be in your arms, I want to feel safe. I want to feel like we’re the only two people in this world again, when we kiss. I want you to talk to me, and tell me that you need me. I need you to tell me that you love me. I need, you. I love you, words could never describe. But I know I have to let go, it’s my only option. You live in another town, and that’s the only reason why you broke it off. You hurt me, when you said you wouldn’t. And I feel like I don’t exist to you. I wanted to start crying when you texted me and asked how everything was, and said everything was good for you. How can, someone feel good, when the one person they said they loved so much, be hurting. I know it’s for the best. I would go back to you in a heartbeat, If I Could. If You Wanted.

I was once told that it is when you think of someone whilst listening to sad songs that you know you’re in love. I am now wondering if he thinks of me when he listens to sad songs. I am now scared, again. Fuck.

I dont know what to feel anymore.

All the quotes are either from "theblogyoulove.tumblr.com" or "poeticheartache.tumblr.com"
Both tumblrs never fail to make me cry. D:
But somehow i'm addicted to reading them.

And, i really want to get these 2 tattoos. :B