Lost

I never realised that I've relied on you so much that I've lost my independence.
I'm so afraid. Afraid of going out and having fun with others.
I don't know why.
I can't comprehend the feeling.
Once again I've believed you and once again you destroyed it.
How long is this going to keep up for.
I thought it was easier now, and the pain would be lesser.
But I was wrong.
The pain is still the same, and it's still equally hard.

You said if I really love you I'd be able to wait and trust you.
But if you really love me why aren't you able to stop what you're doing?
No matter how much I love you, you're still hurting me deeply.
I really wonder how much more I'll be able to withstand before I start torturing myself again.
Sure the torturing myself part has stopped.
But I got a feeling it'd be back soon..
Cause tonight, it nearly happened.

I love you. I really do..


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Nails

I just did my nails today! Now it's soooo cute! :D




Mm, but I'm thinking of either doing the LV design or the Chanrl design next time. :)







After doing my nails, walked around with Kharyian.
She bought some clothes, I bought a tee.
And she bought new heels!
She's gna wear them tomorrow and I'm wearing my heels too! :)
Wanted to wear my clogs, but it's soooo effing high I'll probably fall while walking. :(
So decided to wear the other.







Most likely gna wear either of the above to school tmr. :)


















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Loser

How many times must you abandon me.
How many more times must you lie to me.
How many more days will this go on for.
Why do I still believe you.
Why do I still trust you.
You'll just abandon me again.
When I think I've once again found my safe haven, you'll smash it within the next few minutes.
Despite that, I still believe in you.
WHY.
why can't everything be the same.
Why must there be changes in life.

Tired.. Bored..

It's 3:56am now.
I'm so tired, but I don't feel like sleeping. :(
I haven't blogged for so long! So lazy to do so. Hahaha.
Anyway, I got an iPhone now. And I took some pictures. Shall post them here. :)
























Debating with myself if I should sleep now. :( but it's boring! D:

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

. . . . . .

I THOUGHT WE WERE DIFFERENT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT.
I REALLY THOUGHT THAT WE'D BE TOGETHER FOREVER.
I REALLY THOUGHT THAT WE'D BE GETTING MARRIED NEXT YEAR.
I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I REALLY BELIEVED EVERYTHING YOU SAID.

just the beginning of this year, we were still planning our lives together.
how i'd take the same course, you'll guide me along.
how we'd probably end up in the same company.
you were telling me about the houses, the prices, installments.
(wow, while writing this, i took a break of a few min so i could finish crying. how pathetic i've become)
you were even happily telling me how you would make a study room so that our children would be able to have a good environment to study in.

A few months ago(april), you were still telling me how much you love me and that we would be together forever.
you still held my hand tightly, you still hugged me closely to you.

how fast things changes,
the very next month, you'd give me up, you'd give me up as though as i was nothing to you.
you'd still talk to me, meet me, hug me, kiss me..
but it gradually stopped.
even smses, phone calls.
it became an average of 0.0001 per week.
you said i was giving you stress, i was bothering you.
you said you didn't have time for me.
i would get it if you really were busy..
but no you're not.
i'm not gna say it out here.

i know everyone thinks im alright.
i know everyone thinks ive gotten over it.
i know everyone thinks ive forgotten.
but no i have not.
its just that no one reads this blog.
and partly because no one reads this blog, then only can i voice out my feelings this clearly.
but it also just shows that no one cares.

the posts on my twitter and facebook,
they're NOTHING compared to my feelings.

. . .

I will no longer trust,
I will no longer believe.
For nothing is everlasting, and nothing someone else says is ever real.
I've learnt my lesson for giving my all, I've learnt my lesson for even trying, I've learnt my lesson for even putting in any effort.
Yeap, I've learnt alright.
I'll never make the same mistakes again.
Those sweet nothings never last for long.
They only last till the new gets old.
They only last till they find something new.

Everytime i promise myself that I'll stop trying, I'll stop holding on..
But i can't seem to do that.
I don't know why.
I feel more as a whole trying to hold on.
If i don't, if you don't even reply me, I feel so empty, so restless that i feel like just staying at home and rotting on my bed doing nothing.

And right,
I've realised that;
If you wna have love, you'll need money.
Only money can sustain a relationship in the long run, only money can keep it going.
:) Cheers everyone.
If you have no money... just give up on love.

Oh and right.
One last VERY IMPORTANT THING.
Don't trust anyone but yourself.
I repeat again.. DON'T trust ANYONE but yourself.
Even the one you thought you know the best, the one that's the closest to you.. DON'T TRUST.

I know

I know I didn't treat you well over the past dew years.
but I realized that you're the only one I truly love.
everyone can see how much I've changed.. but why not you?
I've become such an introvert, I hate mixing around with others, I hate socializing, I even dislike going out often.
I'm th COMPLETE opposite of who I used to be.
and you're the only one who's oblivious.
you only know your own pain and you only look at the devil inside of me.
I don't think you've clearly taken a look of who I really am.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

mixed

I'm so tempted to call you and spam smses.
but you said you'd change your number if I bothered you.
I wna know how you spent your days and such, I miss you so bad.
I spend my day thinking about you, but trying to occupy myself so that I wouldn't, and so that i wouldn't feel anything.
but it's just sooooo damn difficult.
everything just reminds me of you.
I wish I suffer from memory loss. I really do.
I hope something happens.....
bye.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Yesterday

I was really really happy yesterday.
No sadness to feel, no emptiness..
Everything was wonderful! It felt like in the past, nothing was wrong. I felt like i was on cloud nine.
But today when i woke up, i went straight back to hell.
It was like yesterday was just a dream.
A day god used to play a prank on me, thinking that everything would be alright, making me let my guard now.
And now, i'm suffering the consequences.
The pain i felt for the past few months(except for last week and the week before),
all came back to me.

I wonder if anyone had went through the same extreme pain i'm going through.
Having to dig my fingernails into myself, having to grab my hair to ease the pain in my heart.
Hugging my knees to my chest, making myself curl into a ball so i feel safer, so that i won't fall apart easily.
Hugging and clutching the pillow in between my knees and chest, screaming into it so that the hole in my chest wouldn't rip any further.
I can't breathe. It's too painful. It's suffocating.
If the pain gets too extreme, i tend to get sharp objects closer to me and dig them into my skin.
Knives, scissors, metal rulers etc.
If none are near me, i would use my fingernails and dig them deep into my skin and scratch myself, my face, legs, arms, stomach.
It's not painful.
Only after when the pain in my heart stops, then only would i be able to feel the physical pain.
I've left multiple scars on my left arm, some on my face though they're not that visible now, my legs and stomach as well.

I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.
I feel so lost.
I'm afraid to step out of my house, I know i would fall apart.
I'm afraid of talking to people i'm not close to, for sure i know they would hurt me.
But i don't want to give up on the love between us.
It's like stabbing me in the heart.
But it's not any better that i'm struggling to hold on.
Feels like someone's strangling me.

I'm so tired.
Tomorrow's the start of school; Term 2.
Wonder how i'm going to survive.
Hope i don't cry. =B

Dream

A happy and perfect dream for 3years and 7months has ended.
The nightmare has started.
I wish i hurry and wake up from the nightmare soon.
I'm so tired. :( Even though it's just a dream.
I want to go back to my happy life.

Afraid

:'(
I was getting better at not thinking about it.
I was getting better at not feeling the pain.
Somehow the 'getting better' has stopped.
I have no idea why.
The heartaches, tears, pain and hurt; feeling them frequently all over again.

Yeah, I wna meet you soooo bad.
I miss you so fucking much.
But I'm afraid..
You're no longer mine.
I'm afraid of the aftermath.. The excruciating pain in my chest when you leave me once again.
Tell me, how can I stop feeling?
I want to rid of all emotions, I no longer wna feel.
If there's no happiness, then no pain, suffering and sadness would come.
How I wish someone would take them away..

I miss you.
I love you.

I don't know.

My emotions are like a roller coaster ride.
One moment it's rocketing up, the next it's plunging down to the deepest depth.
It's tiring, I can't keep up with that. But i don't know what to do. :'(

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

You were the only one with the power to make me feel like i was worth something on this earth. I don’t want to be just friends, i want to be your everything. Please, let me be your everything.

You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

I want you to miss me. I want to be in your arms, I want to feel safe. I want to feel like we’re the only two people in this world again, when we kiss. I want you to talk to me, and tell me that you need me. I need you to tell me that you love me. I need, you. I love you, words could never describe. But I know I have to let go, it’s my only option. You live in another town, and that’s the only reason why you broke it off. You hurt me, when you said you wouldn’t. And I feel like I don’t exist to you. I wanted to start crying when you texted me and asked how everything was, and said everything was good for you. How can, someone feel good, when the one person they said they loved so much, be hurting. I know it’s for the best. I would go back to you in a heartbeat, If I Could. If You Wanted.

I was once told that it is when you think of someone whilst listening to sad songs that you know you’re in love. I am now wondering if he thinks of me when he listens to sad songs. I am now scared, again. Fuck.

I dont know what to feel anymore.

All the quotes are either from "theblogyoulove.tumblr.com" or "poeticheartache.tumblr.com"
Both tumblrs never fail to make me cry. D:
But somehow i'm addicted to reading them.

And, i really want to get these 2 tattoos. :B