Monday, August 9, 2010


I was really really happy yesterday.
No sadness to feel, no emptiness..
Everything was wonderful! It felt like in the past, nothing was wrong. I felt like i was on cloud nine.
But today when i woke up, i went straight back to hell.
It was like yesterday was just a dream.
A day god used to play a prank on me, thinking that everything would be alright, making me let my guard now.
And now, i'm suffering the consequences.
The pain i felt for the past few months(except for last week and the week before),
all came back to me.

I wonder if anyone had went through the same extreme pain i'm going through.
Having to dig my fingernails into myself, having to grab my hair to ease the pain in my heart.
Hugging my knees to my chest, making myself curl into a ball so i feel safer, so that i won't fall apart easily.
Hugging and clutching the pillow in between my knees and chest, screaming into it so that the hole in my chest wouldn't rip any further.
I can't breathe. It's too painful. It's suffocating.
If the pain gets too extreme, i tend to get sharp objects closer to me and dig them into my skin.
Knives, scissors, metal rulers etc.
If none are near me, i would use my fingernails and dig them deep into my skin and scratch myself, my face, legs, arms, stomach.
It's not painful.
Only after when the pain in my heart stops, then only would i be able to feel the physical pain.
I've left multiple scars on my left arm, some on my face though they're not that visible now, my legs and stomach as well.

I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.
I feel so lost.
I'm afraid to step out of my house, I know i would fall apart.
I'm afraid of talking to people i'm not close to, for sure i know they would hurt me.
But i don't want to give up on the love between us.
It's like stabbing me in the heart.
But it's not any better that i'm struggling to hold on.
Feels like someone's strangling me.

I'm so tired.
Tomorrow's the start of school; Term 2.
Wonder how i'm going to survive.
Hope i don't cry. =B

No comments:

Post a Comment